drugs or ego?

[marson]

Hello there everyone,
I was greatly helped by the responses I got from a previous post of mine. I am eternally grateful and hope that this particular post will be as fruitful. If you can look past the slightly-cliched title, I will try and explain what's bothering me.

I am basically in a band with a member who is going through a phase of experimenting with drugs. When I say 'drugs', I mean drugs like Ketamine and Cocaine. The term 'experimenting' is a loose one because the future outlook doesn't seem to be any different to the present situation.

Since I heard about the drugs use, I have tried to spot patterns of behaviour; behavioural patterns that seem to have surfaced around the same time as I found out he was experimenting with said drugs. Such things as irrational anger and short-sighted selfishness, along with a tendency to rationalise things in a way so as to win an argument rather than be fair were something I thought was just a childish attitude towards the band; the non-acceptance of me wanting to do anything the way he would do it; the quick put-downs and cant-be-wrong attitude.Obviously, these are signs of a big ego, but I have begun to think these could be related to not just the drugs themselves, but the lifestyle that goes with it.

Said member basically comes and goes as he pleases, yet puts me down if I do the same and it inconveniences him. Before we moved in together and the drugs became a more regular part of his lifestyle, I never felt uncomfortable in living my life the way that I wanted. Nowadays, I find myself walking on eggshells just so that I don't provoke a hurtful and un-necessary criticism of something I do; his opinion is rarely asked for yet is always made clear and it seems an unfair way of expressing disagreement with me.This ranges from musical things to how much rice I might cook with a meal. Don't get me wrong, we're never going to agree on everything, but I would never put him down just because I don't agree with what he says.

The latest examples of this have saturated my perception of him. Particularly fresh examples are:

1) My need to finish my degree. I have basically put my degree on hold so that I could 'give things a go' with the band. I tried to instgate a mature conversation about what would happen when I go back to Univserity, to be told that my idea of commitment to the band was 'pathetic' because I would be moving away and not guaranteeing my availability for every future gig, therefore making it difficult for the band. I find it incredible that he demanded an answer to a 'problem' that hasn't surfaced yet.

2) Money. At the minute, we play covers gigs on fridays and saturdays to pay the rent here, leaving the weekdays free for 'nice', original gigs. Yet, when I stated that I would want an equal cut of the money made from each of these covers gigs when I move away, I was met with a sneering laugh, as though I'm being unreasonable. Why should I play gigs to pay rent in a house where I'm not living, yet not see an equal share?

Now, I know I have had trouble articulating exactly what my problems and thoughts are on this very rocky subject, and I would greatly appreciate any thoughts on it. It's been very hard for me to write this, as it almost feels like I'm stabbing my bandmates in the back by 'bitching' about them, but I'm only stabbing myself in the back by not stepping onto a ladder out of what I feel is a bit of a mess. I have a lot to think about before I decide what to do about it, because whatever decision I make is going to deeply affect 3 other people as well as myself.

Thanks for all your patience!

Marson x

[JazzMick]

I cant say I have been in the same situation completely. However many parts of your post remind me of various situations I have had to deal with in a band before, thankfully not all at once though.

First things first, take care of yourself.

Financially, if you are contributing to the band equally then you deserve an equal share of the profits or earnings. If you are taking extra responsibility such as organization of gigs and rehearsals its not unreasonable that you would expect a slight bit more.

It sounds as though your friend definitely has a problem and you need to really talk to them about it. Try find a time where they are sober or at least more sober than usual, timing is everything. The drugs don't always have to stop completely, sometimes people just need to really see that they are abusing the situation and can correct it themselves. Other times it comes down to a matter of 'them or me'. That is, if the situation is so unbearable you must present an ultimatum of them quitting, or you leaving the group.

If you can get other people in the group to agree with you and side with you, although that can be hard at times. Pushing a friend into a corner for their own good (or your own sake) can be worth it.

This is the approach I took to unreasonable house mates and band mates anyway. If they are just being *******s then often removing yourself from the situation is the best bet. Work through it if you can though.

[jessmanca]

I think you should finish your degree, and find a different band.

To me, it's important to learn and internalize as much music theory as possible before trying to forget it and create new ideas with it. There are nearly infinite ways to apply (and/or break away from) traditional theory once you've internalized it, and I won't lie and say that I have never used drugs to discover some of them. But there is a big difference in my eyes between using them when writing a song to help get the creative juices going/to hear things in a new way, and using drugs recreationally. It also matters whether or not you become dependent to said drug. Cocaine is definitely a recreational (and highly addictive) drug. I think your relationship with said band member is only going to get worse the more he uses cocaine, and can only be repaired when he quits. The problem is, it's going to take him a long time to recover and get back to a point where he can function as a band member after he quits. He may find that he can't recreate the same feeling with the band as he did before, which again may lead him back to drugs. It's really just better to break it off now and either find another band or another band member.

And get your degree man, it's always better to have a job to fall back on if your one in a million music career doesn't take off.

Also.. he sounds like a jerk and the drugs may just be causing the more negative aspects of his personality to surface.. I would never criticize my roomate over something stupid like rice, as you mentioned, nor would he criticize me. In order to live together you need to have mutual respect for each other, and it sounds like he is crossing a line which in turn lowers your respect of him. I think he may need to spend some time in the real world by himself if he is to learn how to behave acceptably around adults. Meaning you should find a different roomate. Just IMO.

[silent-storm]

I don't know all the details so I can only speak in generalizations, but a few things come to mind after reading your post.

Like everyone has already said, you have to look out for yourself above all else. I don't know how much you have invested into this project, but in my oppinion the only time commitment should be questioned is when someone is considering turning down an offer to play with someone famous and talented enough to fall into the category of 'drop out now and go on tour.' Like when miles davis used to higher guys still in their teens. It doesn't sound like you are in this situation. Anything less then that and it would be very unreasonable to expect someone to not put themselves first. Of course there are many shades of grey. Like if you have completely mastered an album and tour dates have been booked. But you said you are still playing cover gigs...

Second of all, I have met very few people that don't get seriously affected when taking drugs. With the few that don't really change and can properly function, I'm always left wondering why take them? So if he is different now then he was before, drugs probably have something to do with it. If you are feeling this way chances are others are as well. Talk to the rest of the band and find out how they are making out before doing anything durastic by yourself.

I've seen enough people get sucked into the musicians culture to realize that I just can't see myself living with musicians. Sure the good times would be amazing, but I need more stability in my life.

Also, there is definately something to be said about running a clean band.

[Blutwulf]

How much is putting up with that crap adding to your happiness? If you don't like a movie, you'll change the channel. If the baked chicken spoils, you won't eat it. If it starts to rain on your parade, you'll pack up and go inside. If your girlfriend cheats on you, you'll dump her. You know what to do.

[UKRuss]

I think I can avoid the metaphors (Bluttie usually has them all covered) If you don't have time to bake your chicken on your rainy girlfriend movie then simply:

Get away from this person quickly. It's a three step process:

1) Leave the band
2) Leave the flat
3) Finish your degree.

Easy.

[Babsi]

^osum.